Yesterday I had a kind of epiphany about happiness. It was spurred by something said by Nicholas Epley, psychology researcher and author of Mindwise, during an interview. He said that happiness is a mood state; we tend to think of it as a trait, as something permanent, as though we either have it or we don’t, and this is a false belief.
This struck me as a very important distinction. Sure, I recognize that the belief “I’ll be happier when…” is a false one, in that once we achieve that “when” we are a) not as happy as we thought we would be, b) the happiness doesn’t last as long as we think it will, and c) the happiness is temporary because we just move the goal post further away. I know, and have been trying to create, the kind of happiness that is in the present moment. I have been trying to cultivate more wellbeing, flow, and joy in my life and in the lives of others.
What struck me is that we tend to talk about wellbeing and happiness in concrete terms, as though this is something we can “be” and “have” – but truly these are states of being and as states, they are subject to change. We cannot always be well and happy.
BUT — and I hope you see the big BUT 🙂 — perhaps the words “cultivate” better capture the essence of what we are trying to do when we “pursue happiness” and “create wellbeing.” Perhaps a gardening metaphor works better: just as the life of a garden is cyclical, our mental and physical states are cyclical, and just as we must tend a garden, we must tend our mental and physical states.
As with most epiphanies, it seems so obvious as to be trite when I actually write it down. Perhaps this isn’t such a meaningful insight for you. But for me, it was a new way to understand why I fall into the “I’ll be happier when…” trap so often, and it helps me to frame why it is so important to be resilient and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Because that’s the only way. It isn’t that I can’t have happiness or wellbeing, it’s that I have to constantly work on cultivating it. And as I cultivate it, I can benefit from the (another cliche coming!) the fruits of my labor.
Just like we need healthy eating habits, sufficient sleep, and regular exercise for our physical (and mental!) wellbeing, we also need social connection, mindfulness, and gratitude to be truly well and happy. There is a wealth of research that shows these last 3 aspects are as key to our wellbeing as the first three. We need ALL of these to thrive.
The challenge is trying to keep up in all 6 areas, which can make cultivating happiness and wellbeing really daunting. But that’s where the cliched concept of “journey not destination” also helps; we keep at it. We focus on one patch of ground at a time, then move to the next one, recognizing the interconnections of the whole garden. It is truly a “growth” mindset, and we must keep on cultivating throughout our lives.
Robin,
I attended your breakout seminar this morning and I truly enjoyed it. I hope to implement your ideas in my classes as I am big believer in practicing mindfulness, meditation, and gratitude.
This particular blog entry touched on something I hoped to discuss with you following the session. But you were surrounded, and there was another session to attend.
Personally, I avoid the idea of happiness as a goal. Okay, that sounds strange on the surface, but here’s my thinking: happy and sad are two sides of a coin. I suppose one could be happy and sad at the same time, but let’s just look at them separately. The extreme state of sadness is depression. The extreme state of happiness is mania. In a normal person, as you pointed out in your gardening metaphor, are ephemeral.
Rather than think in terms of pursuing happiness, I pursue contentment (which I just noticed in the dictionary is defined as “a state of happiness and satisfaction” – oops). Contentment to me is just being satisfied with what I have. It’s a mixture of acceptance with what life has dealt me (friends, family, work, health, etc.) and practicing gratitude for the same. Many times, people who are unhappy cannot accept that life is not perfect, nor are their jobs, friends, family and other factors that they have no control over.
What do you think?
Peter
I also meant to comment on the dangers of dichotomous thinking… the opposite of sad may not be happy. Maybe there is a continuum, but maybe we can be both happy and sad simultaneously; I was elated that my son was going away to college and grieving my loss / the change at the same time. Emotions and mood states may be more complex that our language and typical treatments convey. While I (and others) use the term “happiness”, what I really mean is well-being, which can be defined as PERMA-H (positive emotion, engagement, relationships, meaning, accomplishment/achievement, and health). There are other models of “well-being” too… it’s all slippery. But I agree and feel passionate that we need to address this messiness and – at the risk of overusing the word – cultivate conditions conducive to greater well-being, flourishing, and thriving.
What do you think? And what might this conversation mean for our teaching, our behavior, our actions?
Hi Peter! Thank you so much for your comments. I agree – contentment is perhaps a better word for what we are cultivating. Or “satisfaction” – perhaps satisfaction is a more lasting mood? Needless to say, “happiness” is one of those words that means too many things to be truly meaningful.
Your comment reminded me of the work of Barry Schwartz, psychologist, who argues that we need to settle for “good enough” in order to be happy. Check out his TEDTalk at https://www.ted.com/talks/barry_schwartz_on_the_paradox_of_choice?language=en or this article from The Atlantic: https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/03/the-power-of-good-enough/387388/ .
There are other articles, books, etc written by and about Schwartz’s work, but I think this gives a good introduction.
Robin,
Thank you so much for your replies and the links. I will definitely check out that TED talk and the Atlantic article. I really appreciate what you said. I like the word satisfaction. I’ll get back to you about your questions once I look at those resources. Thanks, again!
Peter
Robin,
Thank you for the article and TED talk recommendations. I guess “good enough” is a good way to describe my feeling accepting that the concept of “happiness” – while temporarily attainable – is not sustainable. Satisfaction or contentment are much more easily attained and sustained.
Thank you for this very interesting discussion.
Sincerely,
Peter